The Funeral is Over (5/05)

The funeral is over, the bills all finalized, mail moved, acknowledgements sent. This weekend was time to reflect, breathe, and cry. I still awaken wondering which of us to call in scheduling her watch today. I think about all that she’d gone through, and we with her. It was so hard, but God was so near. As we now begin learning life without Mom, even in the intense pain, I'm finding a peculiar peace which I've never known before. Grief is strangely familiar right now, and the comfort God has for me in it. Also strangely familiar are the coping skills (taking thoughts captive, etc) that have brought me back to joy these last few months. None of this is new, even since she fell asleep that Friday. And so I begin to wonder, could it be that what I've been experiencing since the autumn was simply the grief cycle, a little ahead of time, without my knowing it? And could it be that God's timing in that was so that I may be just a little stronger when my family needed it most? God knows. There’s now a new liberty- more time, more rest. But it carries with it a sense of urgency and dispatch from the sweet Spirit that not a moment is to be wasted. Midnight is gone and morning is here, and God is doing things in this heart that cannot be measured. He’s shown me that it is so not me, it is He. He’s shown that He can well orchestrate that which He has called into existence. He’s shown me that I can trust Him. Twenty-five years and now I finally get it. I can trust Him. I must trust Him. Only in God’s house are the broken vessels the most useful. Life breaks us, sin breaks us, even God Himself breaks us sometimes. And that’s ok. I wouldn’t tell just everyone this, but I’ve grown to like being broken. I want to stay there. This is where His fragrance is sweetest. This is where His embrace is softest. This is where our sense of destiny is greatest. Not life, not sin, but You, Lord: keep breaking me. It’s ok. Continue to burn away the flesh which cannot stand in Your presence. Continue to shrink my image of self, till all that remains in the mirror is Your face reflected. In memory of my humble and selfless Mommy, do a new thing today in this heart.